Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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