What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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