I wish life had little blips of pornography
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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