I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize
