I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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