i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
