My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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