if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
