No, drunk sperm still make babies.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
