My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
