I am puke
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
