"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
