I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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