I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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