I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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