On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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