Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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