I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
