ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
