If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
