so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
