Fine. I'll sleep in my office
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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