if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
is that a dick in a sweater?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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