My cat gives me a boner
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Randomize
