Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.