I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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