yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Randomize
