If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
