Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
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There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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