My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Randomize
