Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
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