I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
There r osticjed everywhere
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
