It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
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