she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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