so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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