it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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