Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
