On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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