Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
