end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
