my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
