Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
i will never coherently bang her
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Randomize
