One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Randomize
