watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
