Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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