I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I showed him my bush... on skype.
i think i have two assholes
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
