In America we eat man semen.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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