I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize