I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Randomize
