Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
