chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
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