I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
As shirtless as possible
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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