I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
