Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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