I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
