I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Randomize
