saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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