worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
3pm strippers are depressing
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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