I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
