I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
