Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
