Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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