I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
