Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
